Nothing annoys me more than the ads on YouTube when I am watching a video. But here I am, annoyed more than my usual self. It is only January and you, my friends, are discussing things as if it is November — time when I’ll bid adieu as your wold number 1 Sipah Salar, your spiritual father. I am angry. You are discussing my alternatives for the post of Pakistan Army chief as if I am not even in the room. So, hear me out.
There might still be some innocent souls left among you who think I would do the right thing and hang up my boots. But why would I do it when everyone wants to keep polishing them? In any case, have we army chiefs ever done the right thing? I don’t plan on starting now.
I know some of you want me to get another extension as chief, while the rest of you want me to become your (Pakistan’s) next president. Now beware what you wish for, because I always wear a sherwani under my uniform. You never know when, where, how I might have to come and save you. World might have Spiderman, but the 23 million of you only have me as your Bogeyman.
Much has already been written about my new National Security Policy. But I assure you that the first security policy is as good as my New Year Resolutions — the ones that we all make on 31 December and forget on 1 January. I am not going to lose sleep over it, neither should you. I may have tried to hug India in my policy and given a cold shoulder to America, but that’s just for theatrics. In reality, US President Joe Biden remains my friend because I am the only person in Pakistan he talks to over the phone. While the doctrine of bleeding India by a 1000 cuts will continue after a short break of 100 years. Yes, you and I both will still be here.
You would be happy to know that I have put the Pakistan Army on high alert due to the recent observations by the Supreme Court regarding our commercial use of military land in Karachi and then some judgments challenging our illegal occupation of more than 8,000 acres of land in Islamabad. These judges might think that taking away our malls, restaurants, housing societies and golf courses will weaken our morale. No sir, our josh is still high.
There is nothing illegal about our occupation of these lands, the blame lies on Muhammad Ali Jinnah who made Pakistan on my Army’s land. One of these days I will have a conversation with his spirit because this is not what I signed up for. It’s a curious development that suddenly, even I want azadi now. Hmmm.
Also read: I am the spiritual leader of Taliban. My boys will rule Afghanistan again after 20 years
A tough life you know nothing about
You think getting out of your cosy bed early in the morning is hard? My job is way harder. Now I can’t even get an exiled Pakistani dissident killed (Ahmed Waqass Goraya) without the entire world finding out about it. Privacy is a hoax, my friends. This is unfair, life is unfair. I, as your Army chief, sometimes also like to spend big money like £100,000 on these killing passions of mine. You can say I am Villanelle from Killing Eve, I may hire assassins but I do have the oomph factor and wardrobe of Villanelle. Perhaps the need of the hour is to start a talent hunt — ‘Who Wants To Be The Next Assassin’, because we need it more than India needs S-400 missiles.
Here’s another thought: why don’t I start a fund for my killing hobby? You can donate money to this important national cause just like the dam fund, where you were conned into thinking that donations make dams. Don’t judge me, I did all that in the national interest.
When you sleep I stay awake and take out matars (peas). It is with the protection which I provide you that I’ve grown a side business of frozen foods. What else do you think I am doing up in Siachen? My brand of Fauji Fresh n Freeze offers a wide range of ultra premium quality vegetables and fruits: broccoli, mango, sweet corn, carrots, strawberries, and even aloo matar gajar. It is with the artillery of mixed vegetables and fruits that I plan to freeze my enemies to death in combat. Pizzas, poultry, porridge remain the other secret weapons of Pakistan.
These days you will hear a lot of gossip about the Army’s political manoeuvring. For the 5000th time, I am telling you that I do no such thing. Never accuse me of things that I have no record of doing, never discuss such issues even in your bedrooms. A deal with former PM Nawaz Sharif is out of question — my only favourite is Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (and to some extent, Imran Khan). I only hold talks with TTP, not Nawaz.
Petrol, atta, ghee, electricity prices have impacted a poor man like me who only has four corner plots. Now if I am suffering, imagine the state of our former army chiefs in America, Dubai, Saudi Arabia, or at home. They have started skipping meals and eating roti with one gravy, auctioning all their clothes and keeping just one kurta and maybe a shalwar. But one former chief had to sell his kurta to buy an island or two in Australia, while another sold his shalwar to buy an apartment near Burj Khalifa. Such is poverty.
There’s a reason why, for the new ISI chief Lt Gen Nadeem Anjum, a strict policy of ‘no selfie’ is being followed. Media has been informed not to publish his photographs anywhere. He might be sly but he is also shy. Much like Sirajuddin Haqqani, the Taliban interior minister, who doesn’t like getting photographed at all. Much like they don’t like the Durand Line or the money I spent out my pocket to seal the border with barbed wires. When people say our Taliban project has gone awry, I tell them to wait for a couple of years and see how the Taliban will rule even us. We didn’t call it strategic depth for nothing, after all.
This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.
(Edited by Prashant)
Source: The Print